Its me, Misti

A few things. 

1. I’m going to make my dealbreaker and wish list. This will be what I wish my guy would have and what he absolutely must have. 

2. I talked to Thomas last night. 

Now, #2 isn’t so unusual I know. I talk to Thomas a lot. But last night, we talked about how I would like to talk to him less. And that’s unusual. 

Why talk less? Because realization hit me yesterday. He doesn’t really line up with my wish list or deal breaker list. He’s o so close. He’s funny, and witty, and smart, and driven, and very good looking, and he’s religious, and a good cuddler, and he’s always available to help me with anything. 

But like Erin said, sometimes you have to give up good to get great. 

Right now I bet you’re wondering, “Well he already sounds pretty great. What’s wrong?”

It’s a few things. One of the biggest issues is that he has this fetish. It’s not un-normal for a guy to have this fetish. It’s actually quite a common fetish. But I want nothing to do with it. I think it’s degrading to woman, it makes me feel hurt and sick and ugly. It makes me feel like I can’t trust him. Makes me feel like I’m not enough for him. It isn’t something that I’m going to bend or negotiate on. 

Another issue is that he really doesn’t know how to romance a woman. No meaningful presents, no planned dinner dates, no flowers, not even celebrating my big days.  He doesn’t know how to make me feel special. So I’m left, again, feeling hurt and ugly, not worth it. Am I not worth romancing?

And so every amazing thing that he does gets eclipsed by these issues. All the money he’s willing to loan me, all the compliments, all the silly inside jokes, and all the times he says he loves me, are bulldozed over because in the very next second he’s asking me to give into his fetish or he’s letting his hand go limp when I try to hold hands. 

It’s just a few things, but they’re the difference between good and great. 

Wow. It’s been like.. forever since I last wrote. 

Sorry about that. 

I was busy, well I was busy doing exactly what I shouldn’t be doing. 

Hanging out with Thomas. 

I know. I know. Spare me those looks and eye rolls. I’m just lame and can’t help it. 

It’s hard. You should know that. A tough catch-22. I mean, its shouldn’t be that tough. God or Thomas. Well, duh, I’ll choose God thanks. 

But really. I’m giving up something tangible and real for something that I haven’t seen, giving up something now for something later. 

O, no thanks. Instead of going to a dinner and movie that I don’t have to pay for, I’d rather stay at home and, well, do nothing. 

I was texting my bestie about it today. She’s very wise she is. This is her answer, her really long and wise answer:

“I don’t think it’s necessarily WRONG [for you to date Thomas]. Just maybe not right. […] I think that Thomas is probably a great guy but maybe not the greatest one for you. And you deserve not a guy you need to work on, who drives you nuts half the time, who is nice but not amazing- but a guy who reads your mind, who gets you, who can’t wait to talk to you and cuddle with you and just spend time with you, who will respect you when you don’t want to be intimate, and who already really loves God. That guy exists for you somewhere. Maybe it is Thomas- in a couple years- maybe its someone else whose waiting in the wings and all it takes is for you to give up the good thing so you can have a GREAT thing.”

She’s right. I know she’s right. 

I just have to accept it. And admit it. And actually do something about it. 

Thomas called. 

I was clearly crying when I answered. 

But it was a fantastic conversation. And he called me babe and said he missed me. 

I’m less hurt. But definitely still confused. 

I’m gonna get through this. 

Here’s a fun song:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJyg8u9JzFw 

I’ve never felt so vulnerable before. 

I mean last night I yelled at God, and today I’m crying at everything. 

Right now I can’t even formulate my words into a blog post because I’m crying. 

And I am so confused. 

I don’t want to not talk to him. I don’t want to hate him. 

I watched the beginning of a chick flick today, most stupid decision ever right now, and in the movie a guy and girl kiss. And my gut feels kicked in. I miss kissing him. I miss cuddling with him, I miss meeting up with him for lunch, and I even miss fighting with him. But he’s been so distant, and I know it’s my fault. 

I am so angry at God. I don’t want to be single. I don’t want to leave Thomas.

I know that before I get to the point where I’m ready for a Christ-centered relationship, though, I’m going to need to work on being a Christ-centered woman.  

But, holy hell, this hurts. This sucks. Like a deep, soul-wrenching, heart-bursting vulnerability. I feel raw. I feel empty. I feel like all I really want is for someone to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be ok. 

I have the emotional rebound of a bouncy castle. Or a tennis match. 

I don’t know if that’s a woman thing, or if its just me. But I can go from melancholy to  bite-your-head-off in 3.5 seconds. 

I know, I’ve timed it. 

Actually, no I haven’t timed it. But I think that’s a pretty good guess. 

Soooo… Day 15. Thomas and I have had a few conversations about opening a restaurant, an Italian restaurant. This is Pre-Day-1 of course. He thinks it should be called Tommy Q’s. But I do not think so. There’s already too many guy’s names on pizza places (Johnny’s; Fellini’s; Ray’s). I say he should name it Q. Q’s Pizza. 

It’s modern, but traditional, it stands out, its memorable. 

Today he asks about Q’s, “Where will your name go?” As in, we’ll still open a restaurant together and your name should be on it too. 

I say about the lamest response a girl can say post break-up. I mean the lamest thing ever, but especially since I’m not even with him anymore. 

I say, “Well if we work out, Q will be my name too. But if we aren’t together it won’t be my pizza place anyways.”

Yesterday, I hated you. Today, I’m subtely mentioning marriage. 

I am a complete idiot. I know it was stupid to say. But a part of me was hoping it was just sweet enough that he would respond in kind (speaking of responding in kind, I just had a train of thought. I’ll write it out in 15.b). So I’m hoping he’ll respond in a nice, affirmative, supportive kind of way. 

He doesn’t. He says something completely off topic, therefore delivering the message that he does not want to talk about being with me. 

So now I’ve gone complete circle. I hated you, I loved you, I hate you again. in 3.5. 

People don’t listen. They don’t. 

I told Thomas time and time and time again that he wouldn’t get the job he wanted unless he stood up for himself, talked to the big manager, and demanded respect. 

And he didn’t get the job. One, because he didn’t listen. and two, a girl with bigger balls did exactly what he should’ve done.

I told him not to call me. Ever. As you’ll notice from my last post. He didn’t listen. He’s  called me three times now, to tell me about his crappy job and definitely not to apologize. 

I would also like to note that my best friend, Ashley, recently got screwed over. She fell back in love with an ex. I told her not to. So he quickly screwed her over and now she’s spilling her guts to him on facebook chat, which is the most stupid thing ever. 

You know that old adage? It goes, “No one can make you feel anything without your consent.”

I told her that. Told her to stop messaging him. She’s letting him upset her. He doesn’t care anyways. 

But does she listen? No. And to make it worse, she was facebooking on her phone, so while I’m trying to talk to her, all I can her is the clicky-clack of her typing her heart out to a stupid man. 

I’m sorry I’m grumpy today. I just wanted the best possible situation to happen for Thomas, and for Ashley. But they didn’t listen. And I’m mad in a told-you-so kinda way. 

I only give advice and wise quotes to the ones I love. So if I ever give you advice, please listen. 

I don’t want to talk to him. Ever.

He’s the biggest asshole. Ever. 

We were texting today and he asked me questions about his job. He hates his job. He doesn’t get respect at his job. I mean his job does have potential, but in the entire time he’s worked for them, I haven’t seen this potential materialize. I do know that he doesn’t like change, so sometimes I figure he’d rather have this job than face change.

So today, he’s asking me about his job, asking me what I think he should do. So I tell him, that if I was him, I’d leave. I would talk to my direct manager, figure out if there is anything left for me with this company, and if not, I’d leave. 

He brought up that his situation at work is kind of like our relationship; “its like us, been a lot of work some bad days but with this much potential what do we do?”

I said the first thing to do is figure out if its equal. Are both sides willing to work towards the same end goal. To go along with his analogy of our relationship, I said, “For us, I’m in. 100%. I see our potential and I’ll work to meet you in the middle.” 

And for some reason I feel fantastic about telling him that. To let him know that he has my support 100%. I can imagine that makes him feel a lot better already.

I compare work and our relationship. I said that sometimes the best thing to do is to leave, and sometimes the best thing to do is start over. With his job, I think he should leave. With us, we’ll eventually start over. 

He asks that if he fought for his position with the company would he have my support. 

I tell him he always has my support. That I know he’ll make the right decisions. 

As a final thought, I add, “Don’t fight just to avoid change though.” I don’t say it as a negative. I know he’s a man and can handle his own. I say it because I know him more deeply than anyone else, and know that this is something we’re working on. 

So throughout this entire conversation I feel pretty awesome. I feel like I’ve told him I’m all in, that I support him, that I believe he’ll make the best decisions. I feel like after this conversation any man would feel his ego satisfied and himself comforted. 

You know what he says? That asshole says I didn’t help him at all. That “to be honest I feel almost sick to my stomach. but I know you tried so I should thank you.”

I just poured out all of my love and support, and he responds that he’s sick to his stomach. That I didn’t really love or support him at all. 

And notice he doesn’t ever actually say thank you. He says he “should” thank me. 

I just told him ‘I love you’ in one of the best ways I know how, and it feels like he said back, ‘Your love isn’t good enough. It just made me sick to my stomach. I might thank you for trying.’

He keeps calling now. He says that he wants to know why I’m so upset. But every time I try to explain it to him, he interrupts or dismisses it. 

And he wonders why I don’t want to talk him. Ever again. 

Sorry I’ve kept you hanging. I didn’t mean to disappear for a few days, but alas, I’m back. :)

Hmmm… so what’s happened since, when was it, day 10? 

I’ve lost weight. I’ve caught conjunctivitis. I’ve still been talking to Thomas. I’ve slept, a lot. and I’ve also eaten 12 servings of TCBY Supreme Cookies & Creme in 2 days, in bed. 

Not too bad of a weekend. 

I told Thomas today that we can’t have sex anymore. I mean, deep down in my soul I believe you shouldn’t have sex until marriage. I know I’ve broken that. And honestly, it hurts. I don’t mean to go retrospective mushy on you, but sometimes I hate myself for having sex before marriage. The fact that I don’t get to offer my husband a whole, pure me. It makes you feel dirty, and cheap, and less of a person. Well, it makes me feel that way. 

But since I’m single, now would be a great time to practice abstinence.

Thomas was not happy with that choice. Not for the typical reason though. He says it feels like I’m “backing away.” In other ways, he feels me slipping away, feels what losing me feels like.  

I explained that if we ever want to start again, ever want to have what we both really want in a relationship, then we’re going to have to completely break up and break ties with our past relationship. 

That isn’t to say that I know for certain that we’ll get back together. I don’t know anything. I just know what it will take if we do. 

Oh, it’s 6:30. I have to go take conjuntivitis meds. I also have to workout. Eating a whole tub of TCBY does come with side effects. 

I feel like crap. I’m sick today. Not getting out of bed. 

I also couldn’t sleep last night because I felt SO sick. So guess who I called for comfort. Of course. 

He was distracted by hanging out with his friend though. I was agonizing over the phone to him about how much I hurt, and I could hear violent video game noises in the background. 

The best thing about that? There are no expectations. He’s not my boyfriend so I don’t have to worry about whether or not he actually comforts me. I don’t expect him to do anything. So when he does send me five text messages later saying really sweet things, I get to really enjoy them. 

So after tossing and turning and hurting so badly, I finally fitfully doze off to sleep. 

And have a dream about my future wedding. Yup. Weird right? 

The weirdest part is that I married Thomas. 

There’s a phenomenon that whenever people dream about marriage, they never fully see who they’re marrying. They see fuzzy faces or obscure faces. 

But this was Thomas. Clearly, visibly Thomas. With his brown eyes and brown hair and chicken pox scar next to his right eye. 

I’m not sure how I feel about this. I mean, I like it. I’d love to interpret it as a sign. 

But I’m single so I can find me, find my own last night. Receive my name from God. 

And here I am subconsciously dreaming about becoming Mrs. Q. 

What’s next? I have no clue. One single day at a time. 

Sigh. Day nine. 

Yes we had sex. I figure I might as well tell you upfront. I knew you were gonna ask anyways.

He drove all the way over to my apartment, loaned me $400, and we had sex. 

It feels so weird typing that. Like, that is SO not my life. It’s too paperback novel, dollar store book section. And it makes me sound like a hooker. Which I am not. At all. 

I just like to live by 2 rules. 
1. Love everyone. Don’t judge. And be as considerate as possible.
2. Do what you want. Honestly and openly. But do it, whatever it is.  

I think that’s fair. I mean, I also try to weigh in God’s opinion on whatever matter is at hand. But I feel like I was made by Him to love and express and …

I’m going way off topic here. The point is I love God, I love people, and I like to generally do whatever I want as long as I am open and honest about it. 

So I’m being open and honest to Thomas about my journey of being single, and I’m also being open and honest about still liking to cuddle with him. 

In semi-related news, I had a thought occur to me recently. I’m thinking about changing my name legally. I hate my last name. It isn’t a family name. It doesn’t have special meaning. And it reminds me of my horrible childhood, the typical horrible childhood that comes with pain and fear and shame. And I just don’t want that anymore. 

So I might change my name. Just have a first name and middle name. 

I think it’ll help me in this journey to be truer to myself. Idk. I’ll sleep on it and let you know Day 10. 

I’ve been single for 8 days. 

We haven’t stopped talking to each other. Which is weird. But normal. 

Well, obviously, I’m confused. I think what I’m trying to say is that it feels like we were meant to be friends. It’s ok to send stupid jokes and say goodnight. It is NOT ok to say “I love you” or “Let’s make plans to see each other this weekend.”

Sigh. But I wouldn’t be telling you the whole truth if I didn’t mention that I’m seeing him later tonight. Yup. Dinner with Katie, then a late meeting with him. Not a romantic  meeting. Just a meeting. 

Ok, ok. So I needed his help. Without family to rely on, or ask to borrow money from, what choice do I have? Sure, I could try to be independent, but one more late bill and AT&T will cut my phone off. And what good is a girl without her phone? 

Just to clarify, I didn’t ask him for money. I didn’t ask him for help. I went to pick up my tax refund and the stupid H&R Block place said I had to pay them first. Um, you have my money. I can’t give you money until you give me my money. Stupid. So I got frustrated and called him out of habit. 

And when I started crying he offered to help. I turned him down. He offered again. 

So we’re meeting tonight so my phone doesn’t get turned off. 

I’m lame. It’s only been eight days and I already need help. 

It started a week ago. May 1, 2012. My 23rd birthday. The 9th day of my new weightloss plan. The 3rd month I’ve been feeling different about my relationship. And the 1st day he called me boring.

Yeah. You believe that? It’s my birthday, I want to do nothing. As my boyfriend on my birthday, you get to enjoy the day too. So I want to do nothing. And as we’re laying in my bed, doing nothing, cuddling, he blurts out, 

“I’m afraid that you’re getting boring.”

Hold on a minute. I’m boring? But instead of feeling hurt, instead of feeling insecure, or needy, I feel… nothing. 

Well, I DO feel like he needs to get out of my bed and out of my life. And after 3 months of fighting those feelings of leaving, feelings of you-deserve-better, I give in and break up with him. 

I drive three hours to my bestfriend’s house later that week, expecting that the first single weekend will be the hardest. 

But it isn’t. I feel pretty fantastic actually. 

I’m single. For the first time since I can remember (I think it was freshmen year of high school that I got a boyfriend and I haven’t been single since), I’m single. 

Well, might as well embrace it. Let’s see how this year of being single turns out.